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The Pine vs The Palm

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I must have it my way.

I wish I had it my way.

Just making that change in our self-talk can make all the difference between healthy and unhealthy decisions.

That first phrase, of course, is a demand, and demandingness is reflective of words such as “should” (or “shouldn’t), “supposed to,” “have to,” and the one most kids love, “fair.”  Demands are rigid, dogmatic, and black-or-white.  Here some examples that you may recognize in yourself or others:

“You should let me do what I want.”

“He shouldn’t have cut me off.”

“I have to be right all the time.”

“That’s not fair!”

Demands are typically unhealthy because they are rigid and unyielding.  On a practical level, if something “should’ve” happened, it would’ve, but it didn’t, so you are more likely to upset yourself by thinking that it should’ve instead of thinking that you wish it would’ve.

Healthy thinking is generally more flexible, allows for some “gray areas,” and is more realistic.  Preferences are reflective of words such as “wish,” “like,” “want,” or “hope.”  For example:

“I wish she would’ve let me go out with my friends.”

“I’d like it if you’d agree with me.”

“I hope it doesn’t rain on my big day.”

“I want my own way.”  (There is nothing unhealthy about wanting your own way; unhealthiness can come with insisting on your own way.)

Some people have difficulty with this concept.  They think that flexibility of thought leads to giving in or having people take advantage.  However, it is possible to be both passionate and flexible.

I’m passionate about Steelers football.  I like it when they win, and I hope they do well every year.  However, I don’t think that they must win or it’s the end of the world!  And some people do–you may know some who greatly bother themselves whenever their sports team doesn’t do well.  I can’t think of any circumstances that could possibly exist that would compel me to root for the Patriots, but I’m certainly not going to ruin my own day if they cheat–I mean–win.

Think of the difference between a pine tree and a palm tree.  Wish is stronger?  Most people would say, “the pine” because it stands tall and keeps its coat, even in winter.  However, which is better in a hurricane?  The palm is, of course.  Why?  Because it is flexible, it can bend and adjust to the fierce winds.  Tall pines break during times of strong wind, which is why they don’t flourish where hurricanes blow.

Nunc coepi

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Where It Usually Breaks Down

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“You’re not following through, Mike,”  my poor friend calmly recited for the umpteenth time.  “Golf is a game of follow through.  You’re stopping the club when you hit the ball.”

“You’ve got no follow through on that jumper, Mike,” my angry basketball coach shouted.  “Follow through or get your ass of the court.”

“You told me you’d have that paper done today, Mike.  Where is it?” my exasperated college philosophy professor asked.  “You didn’t follow through with what you said.”

Okay, I’ll admit the obvious: I used to have difficulty following through.  Whether it was in sports or in life, I wasn’t exactly “Mr. Reliable” back in the day.  And, despite a variety of approaches–from the long-suffering patience of my golf buddy to the “I’ve had it!” approach of the basketball coach, it wasn’t until my late 20’s when I started sticking-to-it-when-I-said-I’d-do-it.  Before that, I was much more, “See-what-had-happened-was…”

That’s why I can relate to people when they talk about knowing what they need to do and then consistently failing to do it.  This can be especially true with parenting.  It’s just easier, at times, to let them get away with it, to give them what they want so they’ll shut up, to not fight them when they don’t do what you want.

In my experience, the “Magic Formula” of getting compliance from children is this:

1.  State your expectation.

2.  When you want it done.

3.  What happens if it isn’t done.

4.  Follow through.

That might look something like this:

1.  I want this room cleaned.

2.  I want it done by 8:00 tonight.

3.  If it isn’t, no video games tomorrow.

4.  Take away the video game controller the next day if the room wasn’t clean by 8:00.

By far, the most difficult aspect of that formula is the last step.  That’s where most of us fail, though, so don’t beat yourself up.  Your child will often make it purposefully difficult to follow through with the application of consequences because, of course,they don’t want to lose their privileges!  It’s the rare kid who will say, “Well, fine work, mother.  Thanks for taking away my things in an effort to make me a better person.”  Unlikely!

Instead, expect the storm that will break when you follow through, and accept it as part of their growth and maturity process.  Just don’t avoid it.

Don’t make threats that you won’t (or can’t) keep.  Once you lose credibility with your child, it’s an uphill battle to get it back–but you can.  Keep looking long-term and realize that when you follow through with promises or commitments or punishments, you’re teaching them to do it someday, too.

Hopefully, they’ll learn the value of it quicker than I did.

Nunc coepi

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: ,

Expect People to be Who They Are

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Once upon a time, a squirrel was wandering through some woods when, suddenly, she heard some cries for help.  She followed the sounds to a deep hole among the trees.  At the bottom of the hole, a snake looked up and said, “Oh, thank goodness you’re here!  Please help me.  I fell into this hole and I can’t slither out.  Please, please help me.”

“I don’t know,” replied the squirrel.  “I’d like to help you; I’m sorry that you’re in this hole, but…after all, I’m a squirrel and you’re a snake.”

“Oh, please, please, help me!” begged the snake even harder.  “I need you!  You just can’t leave me here in this hole.”

Moved with pity, the squirrel looked around to see what she could do.  She noticed that a long branch from a nearby tree hung over the hole.  She climbed up the tree and set to work gnawing on the branch.  After a great deal of effort, the limb finally broke from the tree.   It fell at an angle into the hole and the snake was able to slither up the branch and out of the hole.

The squirrel, exhausted from her efforts, wearily climbed down from the tree to meet the snake.

“Thank you!” said the snake.  “You saved my life.”  Then he bit the squirrel and began to coil around her, crushing her.

“But I saved your life,” gasped the squirrel weakly.  “Why would you do this to me?”

He said, “Because I’m a snake, and I’m hungry.”

Why are we surprised when someone exhibits consistent behavior?  If your partner always promises to stop at two beers and then blasts through ten, why are you still surprised by it?  If she tells you that she’ll come right home, but then stays out late for the umpteenth time, doesn’t it make more sense to expect her to do what she typically does?  Why are you still just hoping that she’ll magically change?

It is tempting to think, “I cooked him dinner; he should help with the dishes.”  Now, if he never helps with the dishes, why expect that behavior to change this time?  Why are you still surprised by consistent behavior?  Doesn’t it make more sense to expect the behavior?  It certainly does.   Now, make a decision: is this the relationship that you want?  If you’ve communicated the change that you desire–and your partner still hasn’t made that change–isn’t time for a realistic appraisal of your relationship?

You can’t change other people; you can change your thinking about other people.  You can decide to stop bothering yourself and make decisions based on what is a realistic expectation.

Remember: life is challenging.  Life is difficult.  If your partner doesn’t consistently make things easier for you, doesn’t it make sense to expect that your partner isn’t going to make things easier for you?

Don’t expect gratitude from the ungrateful; don’t expect selflessness from the selfish.  Don’t expect mature behavior from the immature.

Don’t expect a snake to be anything but a snake.

At what point do we blame the squirrel?

Nunc coepi

Filed Under: Counseling, Marriage, Relationships Tagged With: , ,

Nunc coepi

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Nunc coepi.

Are you up on your Latin?  No need to Google it; I’ll explain.

Nunc coepi.  “Now, I begin.”

Here, today, this moment–this is when you begin to make the changes in your life that you’ve wanted to make, but haven’t yet.  Right here, right now–this is where you start to do what you’ve always known would benefit you to do.

Whether you want to stop smoking, start being more assertive, lose weight, be more outgoing, start exercising–it must begin with a decision to start, and let that decision be for it to start today, right here.  Now, I begin.

“Change” is one of the most challenging words in our universe.  “Change” is one of the most difficult things a human being can do; but it is possible.  In the oft quoted Lao-Tzu insight, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single footstep.”  He recognized 2,500 years ago that just getting started in the change process was difficult for us mercurial humans.

But you have to start somewhere.  You.  Must.  Act.

Even I, a practically perfect (just ask my wife!) therapist needs to use this concept.  I’ve known for years that I’ve wanted to blog, that my business would benefit from a blog, that my practice could grow with a blog.  But, you know how it is: I don’t have the time, I’m too busy, I don’t feel like it today.  Or tomorrow.  Well, physician:  heal thyself.  When are you going to launch your blog, Mike?  Here, today.  Right now, at this moment.  With this post, I begin, and I hope that you will begin to make that change that you know you want to make.

Nunc coepi

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Relationship Status?

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“If only I had known he was such a narcissist.  I never would’ve married him.”

That may be true, but you would have probably married someone else, and, while that person may not have been a narcissist, they would certainly have had their own issues.  Just like you do!

Dan Wile, in After the Honeymoon (1988) wrote, “Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems.”

When you marry someone, you are marrying that person and all of the baggage, issues, history, trauma, failures, habits, and idiosyncrasies that they bring into the marriage.  Wile wrote, “…there is value, when choosing a long-term partner, in realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.”

Facebook offers several options under “Relationship Status,” including: single, in a relationship, engaged, married, it’s complicated, separated.  If only there was some law of the universe that made us wear a sign proclaiming the problems that we bring to every relationship!  Imagine if we were all so self-aware that we listed:

Clingy

Emotionally Needy

Jealous Type

Fear of Commitment

Before you begin to label your partner’s behavior within the relationship, perhaps you should take an honest assessment of your own relationship habits.  Do you tend to internalize your partner’s behavior and see it as a rejection of you?  Do you like to say that you “hate drama,” but constantly stir it up on social media?  Are you too thin-skinned?  Do you have trouble accepting compliments–or giving them?

Some of us are very good at dissecting our partner’s motivations, subconscious actions, unhealthy tendencies developed in childhood, character flaws, etc.  How do you act in relationships?

The ancient Greeks carved “Know Thyself” into the Temple of Apollo at Delphi.  Today, I am suggesting that you carve that into your hearts and minds. 

Know thyself. 

Know how you act in relationships–then you can work to make healthy changes in your own behavior.  You’re not going to change your partner.

 

Filed Under: Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized Tagged With: ,

Why Did You Become a Counselor?

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It’s a legitimate question to ask anyone: why are you working in the field in which you are?  For some people, the answer is a simple, “This is what I’ve always wanted to do.”  For others, though, the answer is more complicated.  Some people just kind of fell into their current jobs, some wandered into them, some were even stuck with them.  Sometimes we inherit our work, sometimes we’re on merely our latest incarnation of what we do.  “Today, I am this, but for many years, I was that.”

It is certainly okay to ask your counselor why they chose their profession.  Inevitably, you’ll get an aspect of “I always liked helping people,” along with some other details, of course.  I have been told over the years that some people assume that we counselors went into counseling because we wanted to figure ourselves out, too.  Let me hereby confirm that for you here and now: most of us were trying to work on some things about ourselves while simultaneously learning about others.  As Dr. Paul Friday states in his Friday’s Laws, “No one has a squeaky clean psyche.”

Is that so bad?  Your counselor, like you, is a flawed human being.  By the time he or she is a licensed counselor, though, they’ve (hopefully!) come to understand their own peccadilloes, idiosyncrasies, unhealthy tendencies, behavior in relationships, etc.  Most university counseling programs make us go through some form of our own counseling before we can call ourselves counselors.  Like a novice tattoo artist who must first be willing to tattoo himself before he can be trusted to tattoo another, we counselors typically have our own counselors because (A) we know we have our own issues and (B) we believe in counseling.

Does it surprise you to hear that your counselor probably has seen a counselor?  Why?  Should your counselor be a super-high functioning, totally self-aware role model?  Maybe some are.  The vast majority are typical human beings who know how to help others; that’s about it.  Your counselor isn’t perfect–just ask their spouses!  That doesn’t mean, though, that they can’t be perfectly suited to help you.

Kings, queens, presidents, popes: they all have advisors.  CEO’s, doctors, lawyers: they consult with their peers when they are uncertain about something.  Surely you can, too.

 

Filed Under: Counseling Tagged With: ,

Loving Someone with a Complicated Past

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“I want to stop blowing up relationships,” said the young lady when I asked her why she was seeking counseling.  “I’ve had a string of unsuccessful relationships, and they’ve all ended because of me.”

She talked about her history of being distrustful, of pushing people away, of being distant at times or needy at others.  The next question might have been, “Why do you act that way in relationships?” but she already supplied the answer, “My dad was a real a–hole when I was growing up, so I know that’s why I do what I do.”

One of my favorite authors during my adolescence was Piers Anthony, who wrote in the Author’s Notes of his novel, Fractal Mode:

One thing you, who had secure or happy childhoods, should understand about those of us who did not: we–who control our feelings, who avoid conflicts at all costs (or seem to seek them), who are hyper-sensitive, self-critical, compulsive, workaholic, and, above all, survivors—we’re not that way from perversity and we cannot “just relax and let it go.”  We’ve learned to cope in ways you never had to.

I want to say that, while our childhoods and adolescence certainly affect us, they need not determine us.  In other words, just because you experienced trauma or were abused–it doesn’t mean that you are incapable of having successful, healthy, adult relationships…

…but it can certainly be more difficult for those of us who bear childhood scars. It’s a challenge for us to assume only the best in our partners, or to be vulnerable, or to resist the urge to self-destruct.  If it is your misfortunate to love someone who survived a nasty childhood, God bless you!  You’re in for a bumpy ride.

Functioning at your best within your relationship with a Survivor will require a great deal of patience and understanding.  You love a flawed human being, and while you certainly have your own flaws, perhaps yours are the more understanding foibles of poor communication, occasional selfishness, and a tendency to waste food or leave the lights on.  Your Survivor partner, on the other hand, will weekly present with enough neuroses to make Freud light up a cigar during session.  Can you handle that?

Can you be understanding without being enabling?  Can you be compassionate without sacrificing your own valid interests?  Are you willing to endure behavior that is designed to push you away–without tolerating abuse or rationalizing addiction?  In short, can you daily exhibit loving kindness, the likes of which can be emotionally exhausting at times?

If you can, chances are you’re an ideal partner for a Survivor.  And, here’s the good news!  Once we’ve vetted you, once we believe that you’re here to stay and not going to let our sh-t push you away, once we’ve qualified you in whatever sick way we do in our own minds, then you will probably find that you’ll be rewarded with a love from your Survivor partner that is fiercely loyal, intensely focused, and always interesting!  Never dull!

And we’ll someday be fully aware that that we’ve put you through some tough times and that you stuck–more than anyone else ever did before.  You stuck.  And we’ll be profoundly grateful for it.

 

Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With:

The Million Dollar Question

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Warren Buffett, who Forbes listed in 2018 as the third richest person in the world, has famously said that the right amount of money to leave one’s children is “Enough that they can do anything they want, except nothing.”

That’s what the “The Million Dollar Question” is about: if you were handed a million dollars–which is, of course, a lot of money, but not the kind of money that you could do nothing for the rest of your life–what would you do for a living?

After you’ve paid off your debts and travelled a bit and bought a few toys–let’s say that you’d have $750,000 left.  Again–that’s a lot of money!  But that isn’t the kind of money that most people could live on for the rest of their lives.  With current interest rates, if you put your three-quarters of a million dollars into a savings account, you’d make less than $500 a year.  If you lived modestly on your $750K at, say, $40,000 a year, you’d be out of money in less than 20 years.

So, you’d have to look at your money as a “safety net.” Again: you could do almost anything you want for a living, except sit around all day or party all night long.

What would you do?  The answer to that question, career counselors would tell you, is probably what you’re going to want to do if you hope to find the greatest fulfillment in your professional life.  If you say, “I’d go back to school to be a psychologist,” then, if you want to be truly fulfilled,  go back to school to be a psychologist.  “I’d paint,” “I would be a stay-at-home parent,” “I’d be a writer;” if you had the wherewithal to pursue something other than what you’re already doing, how happy can you reasonably expect to be in what you’re currently doing?

Now, there are three types of working people: those who love their current jobs, those who tolerate their current jobs, and those who hate their current jobs.  If you currently love what you do–great!  It sounds like, if you won a million dollars, you’d stay put.  If you merely tolerate your current job because it pays the bills, I suspect that you are like the vast majority of Americans who go to work, do what they gotta do, and then find their greatest fulfillment in their personal lives.  I greatly doubt if either of my long-deceased grandfathers–who worked in a lumber yard and a coal mine, respectively–gave much thought to whether or not they were “fulfilled” sawing wood or digging coal; they had mouths to feed and a mortgage to pay.

Perhaps you are one of those unfortunate ones who truly despises your job, for whatever reason. If you are stuck–actually stuck in that job with no hope of getting out of it any time soon–I feel for you, and I want to strongly urge you to focus on finding happiness in your personal life.  If the pain of your professional existence is tainting your personal life, may I suggest that you pop in to see a counselor?  We just might be able to help you find a sense of balance or restore your feeling of wellness in your personal life–even if we can’t hand you $1,000,000.

And we can’t, by the way…

Filed Under: Choices, Counseling Tagged With: , ,

To the Person Who Stole my Watch–oh, wait…

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It’s been months since I’ve seen my watch.  I last remembered having it at the health club, taking it off and putting it in a locker while I exercised.  When I couldn’t find it after a day or two, I assumed that it would turn up; I probably took it off to wash dishes or do something else around the house and set it down somewhere where I typically don’t put it.  When it didn’t turn up after a few more days, I asked at the front desk at the gym, and they reported that no one had turned in a watch.  “Well, it’s gone,” I assumed.

It was a gift from my wife one Christmas.  Truth be told, while it wasn’t inexpensive, it also wasn’t “break the bank” expensive.  We’re not talking about a Rolex or Tag Heuer; however, as it came from my wife, it had sentimental value to me.  I sheepishly informed her that I had lost it–that, in all likelihood, I had left it in the locker room and someone pocketed it.

Each time I subsequently entered the locker room, I quietly wondered if the man who stole my watch was in there with me.  While I wasn’t exactly scanning men’s wrists to see if the thief had the audacity to wear my watch to the scene of the crime, I couldn’t help but hold my fellow male gym-goers in some degree of disdain.

Until today, when I found my watch in a seldom-used compartment in my gym bag–the gym bag that I thought I had previously thoroughly searched.  No one stole my watch; my dumb ass had been toting it back and forth to the gym this entire time.  Gentlemen of the Cameron Wellness Center: please forgive my silent accusal of you all.

Strange how we assume something, and that inevitably becomes “what happened.”  I had initially thought, “I misplaced it,” then came to think “Someone probably took it,” before being certain that “Someone stole my watch.”  When in counseling sessions I hear people say, “I know that’s what happened,” or “I know that’s what he thinks,” I’m quick to point out that just because you think something doesn’t necessarily make it true.  Thoughts are not facts.  I, however, seemed to have forgotten that bit of psychological truism with respect to my missing watch–just because I thought someone stole it doesn’t make it true.

Whenever I hear people say, “That’s my truth,” I inevitably think, A) what a narcissistic thing to say and B) just because you think that something is true doesn’t necessarily make it true.  Okay, I also tend to think C), “Hey, Millennial: something is either objectively true or it isn’t,” but I digress…

Question your thoughts!  Why am I thinking what I’m thinking?  Where is the evidence that what I’m thinking is true?  How is it helpful to think that way?  How does it logically follow that because I want something that I must have it?

Don’t confuse theories for reality.  Certainty about opinions can lead to rigidity and can hamper growth.  Flexible thinking is generally healthier thinking; it is more scientific thinking.

Just because you believe you can’t do something doesn’t mean that you can’t.

Just because you believe he did that doesn’t mean that he did.

Just because you believe that you’re right doesn’t mean that you are.

I believed my watch was stolen, but it didn’t mean that it was.

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What’s Your Opening Line?

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“So, what brings you here today?”

That’s usually the first thing I ask to open a session after going through all the (very boring) HIPAA stuff, the rights to confidentiality, and my role as a mandated reporter.  It’s with that question that the session usually takes off, and most of the time, that first session really flies by.

I place a special emphasis on the answer to that question; as it is the first thing most clients say after we greet, I usually even record it verbatim.

“Well, I’ve struggled with anxiety all my life.”

“My wife and I have been having some problems for a while now…”

“There’s just so much going on in my life right now, I think I need to talk to someone…”

“I know that I’ve been depressed, but this is the first time I’m trying to get some help.”

“My mom made me come here.”  (I hear that one a lot from teens.)

“We’ve been having a tough time communicating lately.”  By far and away, that’s the most common one I hear from couples.  “Trouble communicating,” of course, is an umbrella term for a forest of problems, so we typically have to break that down tree-by-tree.  People have difficulty communicating about money, work, sex, the kids, and on and on.

No matter the reason that brings you into counseling—whatever your opening line is—you will be treated with respect and compassion.  Your counselor has an ethical obligation to refer you if she can’t be helpful to you, and she has a legal obligation to never disclose what you say in your sessions.

Don’t be afraid that you might be emotional in that first session.  I’d estimate that 8 out of 10 people typically cry during that initial encounter.  You’re sharing something deeply personal with someone; it makes sense to think that you’re going to be emotional.  Maybe it’s the first time you’ve ever described your problem out loud or even admitted it to yourself.  Never fear!  We don’t ever run out of tissues.

Some people are ashamed to come to counseling.  On top of their presenting problem, they also feel emotional that they are sitting in a therapist’s office.  They describe feeling weak or weak-minded, feeling like a failure or a loser, thinking it’s the last desperate measure to save a relationship or confront some inner demon.  I promise you that your counselor doesn’t see you that way.  Would you be surprised to know that most Counselor Education programs make their students go through counseling themselves before they can become counselors?  Most of us have cried in our own sessions and that didn’t make us weak or shameful.

Think about what you will say when your counselor asks, “What brings you here today?”  Your counselor will take it from there.

Filed Under: Counseling Tagged With: , ,