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Where It Usually Breaks Down

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“You’re not following through, Mike,”  my poor friend calmly recited for the umpteenth time.  “Golf is a game of follow through.  You’re stopping the club when you hit the ball.”

“You’ve got no follow through on that jumper, Mike,” my angry basketball coach shouted.  “Follow through or get your ass of the court.”

“You told me you’d have that paper done today, Mike.  Where is it?” my exasperated college philosophy professor asked.  “You didn’t follow through with what you said.”

Okay, I’ll admit the obvious: I used to have difficulty following through.  Whether it was in sports or in life, I wasn’t exactly “Mr. Reliable” back in the day.  And, despite a variety of approaches–from the long-suffering patience of my golf buddy to the “I’ve had it!” approach of the basketball coach, it wasn’t until my late 20’s when I started sticking-to-it-when-I-said-I’d-do-it.  Before that, I was much more, “See-what-had-happened-was…”

That’s why I can relate to people when they talk about knowing what they need to do and then consistently failing to do it.  This can be especially true with parenting.  It’s just easier, at times, to let them get away with it, to give them what they want so they’ll shut up, to not fight them when they don’t do what you want.

In my experience, the “Magic Formula” of getting compliance from children is this:

1.  State your expectation.

2.  When you want it done.

3.  What happens if it isn’t done.

4.  Follow through.

That might look something like this:

1.  I want this room cleaned.

2.  I want it done by 8:00 tonight.

3.  If it isn’t, no video games tomorrow.

4.  Take away the video game controller the next day if the room wasn’t clean by 8:00.

By far, the most difficult aspect of that formula is the last step.  That’s where most of us fail, though, so don’t beat yourself up.  Your child will often make it purposefully difficult to follow through with the application of consequences because, of course,they don’t want to lose their privileges!  It’s the rare kid who will say, “Well, fine work, mother.  Thanks for taking away my things in an effort to make me a better person.”  Unlikely!

Instead, expect the storm that will break when you follow through, and accept it as part of their growth and maturity process.  Just don’t avoid it.

Don’t make threats that you won’t (or can’t) keep.  Once you lose credibility with your child, it’s an uphill battle to get it back–but you can.  Keep looking long-term and realize that when you follow through with promises or commitments or punishments, you’re teaching them to do it someday, too.

Hopefully, they’ll learn the value of it quicker than I did.

Nunc coepi

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: ,

Guaranteeing Success for Your Child

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I first heard of Geoffrey Canada in 2008 when his story was featured on the NPR program, This American Life.  (You can listen to it here.)  His ambitious program to end poverty captured my imagination in its simplicity.

He and his team approached every parent they encountered within a certain area of Harlem and asked them to come to hear how they can make life better for their children.  They approached women pushing strollers and men holding the hands of toddlers and said, “Come to the community center at 9 AM on Saturday morning to learn how you can ensure your child makes it out of Harlem.”

When the parents of these babies and infants and toddlers gathered in the meeting place, Geoffrey Canada looked at them and said, “Who here wants a better life for their children than they have?”  Every hand went up.  “I’m going to show you how you can do that,” he said.  And then he told them the secret:

Read to your children.

Now, if you are reading this blog right now, chances are excellent that you are middle class or upper middle class–and so the notion of reading to your children when they are little isn’t exactly earth-shattering to you.  In fact, you are probably thinking, “Duh!”

But to those lower income families gathered in Harlem, the thought of reading to their children was as foreign as the thought that you shouldn’t yell at them all the time or let them drink Mountain Dew.

Mr. Canada knows that stimulating a child’s brain at an early age is the key to ending poverty.  To put it succinctly: kids who like to read do better in school = they get better grades = they stay in school = they get better paying jobs.

So he founded the Harlem Children’s Zone and then The Baby College for the parents of children age 0-3, and for 9 Saturdays in a row, he and his staff teach parents the solution to poverty: read to your children.

daddy-reading-behind-1432160-639x491The more you introduce language to children, the more they grab it.  Middle and upper middle class parents typically know that, but in those 97 city blocks of Harlem, no one had previously stressed the importance of reading.

It turns out that the biggest difference between the haves and the have-nots is language acquisition, because that translates into verbal ability.

James Heckman, an economist at the University of Chicago, found the difference in the sheer number of words that middle class parents speak to their child–as opposed to poverty class parents–differs by about 20 million words.  So, by age three, your middle class child has been exposed to 20 million more words than a poor three year old.

Heckman found that job training isn’t the solution to ending welfare because, by the time poor people are young adults, very basic skills haven’t been learned: the ability to communicate, read the newspaper, have self-control–even the ability to get out of bed to regularly go to work.

This is harder and harder if not achieved by ages 8, 9, 10–to some extent, it’s already too late!  Those early years are the time to snuggle up with a book and read to your very young child.

The sad reality is that, if you are reading this, you probably already know that.  Please spread the word to someone who does not.

The Harlem Children’s Zone and the Baby College.

Filed Under: Choices, Good communication, Parenting, Uncategorized Tagged With: ,

The Homework Parent vs. The Holiday Parent

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Divorce

They say that you never forget your first, and that is certainly true of my first outpatient client.

To be honest, though, Declan (not his real name) wasn’t all that memorable.  He was, all-in-all, a pretty good kid.  He had decent grades in school and had some friends there, too.  He was unfailingly polite to me during sessions and engaged in dialogue.  However, his parents had divorced, and his mother had some concerns about Declan’s ongoing adjustment.  She was more memorable to me than her son because of the uphill battle that she was fighting.

I remember well what she said to me once when describing her frustration with her ex-husband.  We were talking privately while Declan was waiting in the lobby and she sighed in angry weariness.  “You know what the biggest problem is?” she said.  “I have him Sunday night through Thursday night, and when he’s with me, he has a bedtime that’s set in stone, he has to do his chores and his homework.”

“When he’s at his dad’s Friday through Sunday, he has none of those things!  Declan gets to do what he wants there–stays up late playing video games, eats whatever he wants, doesn’t open his bookbag.  His dad is constantly taking him to fun places and restaurants–because it’s the weekend!  Then Declan comes home to me, and the first thing I have to do is make him get out his homework!”

She almost sobbed.  “I’d like to take him out every night and not fight over bath time, but I’m too damn responsible.”

Sadly, I have heard that echoed far too often since the first time I heard it from her.  I’ve come to think of people in her situation as the “Homework” parent and the “Holiday” parent.  Homework parent is typically the custodial parent who says, “Stop,” “no,” and “don’t” while Holiday parent says, “If you want to–do it.”   Guess which house the kid typically prefers?

When you’re a preteen, who wouldn’t like an irresponsible parent?  It’s also easier to be Holiday parent, so, in a sense, who wouldn’t want to be that person?

People in my position, though, get to see and hear many things.  While I’ve certainly worked with kids like Declan who liked Holiday better, I’ve met many, many older kids (and young adults) who came to recognize the good that Homework did and appreciate her now.  Some of them even come to resent Holiday for not being a more responsible parent to their children.

My message to all of you Homework parents out there:  hang in there!

While your child may hate what you do today, chances are excellent that he’ll come to appreciate it tomorrow.  “At least my mom cared enough to make sure I brushed my teeth and read a book once in a while,” said a young man to me recently in a session when he was describing his childhood.  “My dad didn’t give a s–t what I did.”  That’s an actual quote–and that’s how he came to see his Holiday parent: as someone who didn’t care.

Let Holiday parent be Mr. Popular now; your child will someday appreciate you and what you did for him.  He’ll probably come to regret how he treated you during those years when his other parent should’ve known better.

Homework parents of the world, hear my cry!  Stay strong!  Don’t take the easy way out.  You care too much about your children to compete with your ex- for their affection.  Keep taking the long-term approach, and cling to the realization that you aren’t raising him to be a child–you’re raising him to be a man.

 

Filed Under: Divorce, Parenting Tagged With: , ,

Choose This or That

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Corey* just wouldn’t come home on time.  His parents set curfew for the 15 year old at 10:00 pm on the weekdays, and he rarely abided by it.  Now, I thought that 10:00 pm on a weekday was actually too lenient, but what was important wasn’t my opinion about their rules, but that their son followed their rules.  So, I suggested to them that they take something from him that he valued.

They took his video game system from his room; he told them that he didn’t care.  (Sound familiar?)  Corey failed to return home on time the next night.  “We can’t make him stay home!” his parents cried.  I disagreed, but wanted to meet them where they were.  They were willing to take things from home, so I worked with them on that approach.

“Take something else from him in addition to the video games,” I said.  They took his weights. (Corey was very much into professional wrestling and hoped to be one someday.)  “I don’t care,” said Corey.  “Now what, big brain?” his parents nearly said to me.  “Take something else each day until he abides by his curfew for 3 days in a row.”  I wanted to see A.) how committed they were to this and B.) just how stubborn Corey was prepared to be.

Now this is important: they kept taking things from him without giving him anything back.  In other words, they didn’t give him back his video games and then took his weights; they began stockpiling Corey’s things in their room (that they had to padlock to prevent him from entering) and didn’t give anything back until he abided by the curfew for three days straight.

They took his drums, they took his knives (he had dozens!), they took his wrestlers, they took his knick knacks.  Partially, I think, just to prove to me that my way wasn’t working, Corey’s room was eventually stripped down to his bed and his dresser.  “Now what, big brain?”

I have to admit that, at this point, even I was a little surprised that the kid hadn’t broken them.  Up to that point, nearly all of the parents with whom I worked would’ve thrown in the towel.  I wasn’t too surpised that Corey hadn’t given in—he was an incredibly obstinate child bent on establishing that his parents should let him do what he wants.  Looking around his now empty room, my eyes settled on the bedroom door.  “Take that,” I said.  They took his damn door off the hinges.

Corey came home and hung up a blanket.   It was only after they had removed the blanket that he had hung to replace his door (and the several replacement blankets that he successively hung) that I was able to finally get through to him.  Sitting down with him in his near empty room, I said “Take a look around, Corey.  This is all a result of your choosing to not come at by 10:00.”

“Well, I came home at 10:05 last night!” he protested.

“That’s not 10:00, is it?” I countered.

“Dude, whatever!”  (This, by the way, is the most frequent come back I hear from teenage boys.  Girls have a slight variation: “Whatever.  It’s whatever.”) “I was, like, two minutes late!”

“Actually, you were five minutes late.  You need to change your thinking if you want your things returned to you.  Instead of thinking that 10:05 is okay, learn to think 9:59 is okay.  10:00 is okay.  10:01 is not okay.  You only needed to come home four minutes earlier to start getting back your things, and you choose not to do it.  Choose to be home on time, and you’re choosing to get your things back.  If you choose to not return on time, then you’re choosing to not get back your stuff.”

In the end, Corey learned to abide by his curfew.  It didn’t happen all at once, as you can see, and he didn’t get the lesson after they had removed one preferred item from him or even ten.  Corey’s parents had to remain committed, stay firm, and hold the line.  Throughout the time that they were taking his things, Corey often screamed, cursed, threw things, and generally attempted to make life miserable for his parents.  That will happen.  Hold the line, and help your child to see that you didn’t take his things, he choose to lose them by choosing not to follow the rules.  Emphasize his choices, not your rules.

Nunc coepi

* All names and other identifying details in this blog are altered to protect client anonymity.

Filed Under: Choices, Parenting Tagged With: , , ,

Following Through (or Where it All Breaks Down)

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step-on-through-1552958

“You’re not following through, Mike,”  my poor friend calmly recited for the umpteenth time.  “Golf is a game of follow through.  You’re stopping the club when you hit the ball.”

“You’ve got no follow through on that jumper, Mike,” my angry basketball coach shouted.  “Follow through or get your ass of the court.”

“You told me you’d have that paper done today, Mike.  Where is it?” my exasperated college philosophy professor asked.  “You didn’t follow through with what you said.”

Okay, I’ll admit the obvious: I used to have difficulty following through.  Whether it was in sports or in life, I wasn’t exactly “Mr. Reliable” back in the day.  And, despite a variety of approaches–from the long-suffering patience of my golf buddy to the “I’ve had it!” approach of the basketball coach, it wasn’t until my late 20’s when I started sticking-to-it-when-I-said-I’d-do-it.  Before that, I was much more, “See-what-had-happened-was…”

That’s why I can relate to people when they talk about knowing what they need to do and then consistently failing to do it.  This is especially true with parenting.  It’s just easier, at times, to let them get away with it, to give them what they want so they’ll shut up, to not fight them when they don’t do what you want.

In my experience, the “Magic Formula” of getting compliance from children is this:

1.  State your expectation.

2.  When you want it done.

3.  What happens if it isn’t done.

4.  Follow through.

That might look something like this:

1.  I want this room cleaned.

2.  I want it done by 8:00 tonight.

3.  If it isn’t, no video games tomorrow.

4.  Take away the video game controller the next day if the room wasn’t clean by 8:00.

By far, the most difficult aspect of that formula is the last step.  That’s where most of us fail, though, so don’t beat yourself up.  Your child will often make it purposefully difficult to follow through with the application of consequences because, of course,they don’t want to lose their privileges!  It’s the rare kid who will say, “Well, fine work, mother.  Thanks for taking away my things in an effort to make me a better person.”  Unlikely!

Instead, expect the storm that will break when you follow through, and accept it as part of their growth and maturity process.  Just don’t avoid it.

Don’t make threats that you won’t (or can’t) keep.  Once you lose credibility with your child, it’s an uphill battle to get it back–but you can.  Keep looking long-term and realize that when you follow through with promises or commitments or punishments, you’re teaching them to do it someday, too.

Hopefully, they’ll learn the value of it quicker than I did.

Nunc coepi

 

Filed Under: Parenting, Relationships Tagged With: , , ,